Sometimes, I get emails from wives asking me to explain what it means when a husband says that he loves you, but is no longer “in love” with you. Many feel that this is a serious contradiction in terms. How can someone claim to love you, but then not be “in love?” What is the difference? And, with such a vague statement, how in the world are you supposed to respond and what can you do to change this?
In the following article, I will answer these questions based on what husbands who visit my site tell me. Many of them are honest because they don’t know me personally, I’m an objective third party, and I’m not their wife or her friends. So, below, I’ll explain to you what these husbands tell me about their feelings.
How Can He Love Me, But No Longer Be In Love?: OK, let’s get right to the heart of the matter. Because I know that you want the answer to this question more than any other. In truth, the answer to this question really comes down to semantics. I’ll explain this more later, but right now, I’ll tell you what is very probably going through your husband’s head.
See, what husbands tell me is that they respect, admire and actually downright love the attributes of their wives. They tell me that she’s a good mother, a good friend, a good wife, and that she’s their “rock.” They respect her, value her, and love her as a person. But, what’s now lacking is that weak in the knees feeling that he used to get when he looked at her and the way that fireworks used to go off even after the most innocent touch.
Now, I must tell you that as a woman, my reaction when husbands are telling me this is: “well for goodness sake, how old are you, 21? Because with a few kids to raise and a household to run, neither of you are the people with no responsibilities who could just focus on one another and interact with googly eyes.” But, I know these feelings to be valid and common for men because my husband felt them himself and almost divorced me. And, I know from the intense work that we did that it’s very possible to get these feelings back.
The reality of the situation is often this. Men often do not have the emotional knowledge to know that those feelings are just stagnant – but not all together gone. Neglect has made the spark smaller, and right now, it’s smoldering, but with a little attention, it can be a hot, roaring fire in no time. Men do not understand this. They think that when it’s gone, it’s done. Our job is to show him that this just isn’t true.
He Thinks It’s A Lack Of Chemistry, But It’s Really A Lack Of Attention And Time: When men describe this falling out of love business, they often use words that have to do with the spark and the chemistry between you: “the passion is gone,” “the spark has faded,” or “we interact like friends rather than lovers.” Rarely do their phrases talk about getting this back. Most of them assume that once it’s dead, it’s dead.
And, when I ask them what they are doing or could do to reignite this, they either stare blankly or shrug their shoulders. They just don’t think this far out. They don’t realize that it’s the marital circumstances that have changed, not their wives, not their chemistry or spark, but the amount of time and effort that is required to allow these things to happen naturally. You both have jobs or responsibilities that eat into your ability to completely focus upon them and this is completely understandable. Almost every marriage suffers from this.
But, the result is often that you can’t or don’t put in the time necessary to maintain the bond that makes them feel the “spark” that they often talk about. In truth, being “in love” is often nothing more than the way you make them feel about themselves. It’s completely pleasurable to feel like you’re the center of someone’s world, and that you are lovable and desirable enough to garner so much attention. Of course, this makes you weak kneed and starry eyed. Who doesn’t love it when someone looks deeply into their eyes, listens intently to what they have to say, and cares deeply about their day to day experiences?
I can almost guarantee you that if you were to be successful in recreating the atmosphere that you did when you were first dating, you’d find yourselves deeply in love again. I’ve seen it happen countless times. Because you already know that he adores the person that you are. First, he’s married you and he’s recently told you as much, quite directly.
But, in the chemistry and intimacy departments, you’re falling short. He feels like one person in an arrangement that should be two. You must change this. If you can propel yourself forward until you’re in a place where there is the give and take of time, attention, fun, and affection, the rest is going to fall into place.
Getting Your Husband To Fall Back In Love With You: I’ve alluded to this, but now I’m going to say it directly. Things are actually probably aren’t as bad as you think they are. You actually have a blueprint to this guy’s heart. You got him all googly eyed over you once before. Now, you just have to dissect that process and repeat it. It helps to think back to what attracted him to you, but I can make this a bit easier for you and tell you what men tell me. They want your attention. They want your praise. They want your affection. And, they want to feel like you absolutely understand them – even their flaws. And, with this understanding comes total, unconditional acceptance. This often requires for you to clear your schedule, listen without interrupting, and to give them the same consideration as you did in the beginning.
Many people will ask why they are making all of the concessions. Maybe this is true at first, but as he sees that you are making the effort, he’s going to respond in kind and suddenly, you’ll find that you are both a lot happier and fulfilled. It’s a cycle that very often just naturally happens when you are sincere. I’ve seen it happen countless times.