OH THIS MY HUSBAND (EPISODE 1 – 5)

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*OH THIS MY HUSBAND*

The story is inspired of the Holy Spirit, based on the combination on many real-life experiences and lessons learnt from them.

Penned By
Femi Oluyamoju

PART 1
GENESIS

That faithful morning, I cried to my Pastor’s house. I was fed up; my bags were packed. I had just finished telling my husband every bitter word I can remember in the dictionary. I fabricated new words that best described a monster that he is.
Yes, he is a monster, he acted so nicely during the courtship. But as soon as I became Mrs. Momoh, all hell was let loose. There is nothing that I did that was good.
I had a well-paying job as a factory manager in Lagos. I had a driver and I had an expense account. But after six months of marriage I thought I had gotten pregnant and Ige my husband let all hell loose over the fact that my work will kill the baby. Unfortunately, three months later my period came back and thus more war. I left my job to please him and became a full time house wife.
But by then he was no more around to make love to me, he was always coming home late. I discover strings of relationships on his phone and when I confronted him, he complained that since I killed the baby and can’t make another one, he needs girls to calm his nerves.
Whenever I complain, he leaves the house. If I don’t talk, he leaves the house. When I beg, he gets angry. If I fight, he gets angry. If I report to Pastor, he gets angry. If I cry, he leaves the house.
I was running mad and crazy. I didn’t have any self-esteem again. I was no more going to church regularly. He was sleeping with sisters in the church. He looks like an easy person to the world at large but a demon inside the house. I couldn’t get pregnant. I was sleeping alone every ovulation.
Last night, I discovered through his phone that another girl was pregnant for him and she wants marriage else she would terminate the pregnancy.
My husband was pleading to her not to. He was ready to do anything just to have the baby. I confronted him and he slapped me and called me barren.
That was the last straw that broke the camel’s back. All hell was let loose. I spoke out my bitterness.
I decided to first report myself to Pastor, actually I don’t really have a place to go. But I needed to get out of the house of Ige the monster.
Pastor listened as usual, his wife was holding me and trying to comfort me. I was too broken.
Pastor Emmanuel asked me this question; Sister Joy, is this the future you imagined and prayed for yourself when you got married?
Hell no! I don’t pray this for my enemies!! I replied.
Sister Joy, pray and fight for your marriage. You have been fighting wrong and fighting dirty. If you are ready, I’ll teach you how to pray and fight right. Pastor said.
I laughed despite my situation, Pastor Emma, you don’t understand. For the past 9.5 years, I have not been sitting and doing nothing. I am a Christian, I have prayed, fasted, gone for prayers on the mountain, I got ulcer from praying and fasting. I was fatter before. Pastor you don’t understand ooo.
Pastor’s wife was now crying, in my mind I felt, abi ooo, mummy understand what I was saying, that’s why she is crying too, but I noticed she was not only crying, she was beckoning on her husband to talk but Pastor didn’t want to talk.
I was curious, what is Pastor hiding, did they know about the woman who’s pregnant or what!!!
Pastor’s wife opened her mouth and said, sister Joy, some years ago, Pastor was in your shoes and I was the one who beat him out of the house and I was pregnant for another man.
Now this is turning to African story. Our gentle Pastor’s wife beating our Pastor? Ahhh
If you have seen the two of them, their love is not of this world…..

To be continued….

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 2
DIARY

If you have seen the two of them, my Pastor and his wife can’t do without one another, they can’t stay far from each other. Pastor’s wife dotes on him like a woman deep in love.
That Pastor’s wife could have beaten her husband was a hard pill to swallow.
Then Pastor Emma spoke; yes, sister Joy, my wife was every bit like your husband and even more….
Of course, prayers and fasting seems to have failed. I was embarrassed and fed up. She had many sex friends and sleeps at home only during weekends. She drinks and clubs and if I confront her, she will fight back. The only reason I didn’t beat her was because I had sworn not to be a wife killer like my dad.
I was on a 40 days dry fasting on the mountain, when I got a visitation on the 13th day from an old man who asked me; Young man you have marital problems and you have allowed your house to burn down.
I got angry and replied; baba, she burnt down her life, mine and our home, she is a demon that I got married to and I wish God will kill her so I can move forward. I can’t even have sex with her, I don’t want STD or HIV, I kept ranting in anger….
The baba was just looking unperturbed. Not moved. When I finished, he gave me four verses and he left. I wrote it down just because I had a pen in my hand while he was speaking.
2nd Corinthian 10:6
Ephesians 5:25
John 3:16
Ephesians 3:20
I continued my fasting and praying without reading the verses. I got ulcer by day 15. I was rushed from the mountain to the hospital.
The Pastor on the mountain had even told the nurses not to allow me to come back to the mountain again. My bags and belongings were under the hospital bed. I spent four days there and not one call from my wife.
I got home to discover a man’s boxer in my bathroom. I lost all strength to pray. I broke down in tears.
At this point, I was so engrossed in Pastors’ story that I didn’t know when mummy stood up, I only saw her coming back with coffee. Ahhh food and drink is the last thing on my mind. I motioned to Pastor, abeg continue the gist.
He continued; at this point of my helplessness, I noticed the verses I wrote on my bible. I read it in the order I jotted it down.
House burnt down by me from 2nd Corinthian 10:6, Ephesians 5:25, John 3:16 & Ephesians 3:20

I opened the bible to read these verses. The gist of it all is that, I am supposed to love my wife to the point of death just as Christ loves and died for the church, it’s after this that God will deal with her. And finally, I have the power to get anything I want from God.
That was like a vision, it suddenly dawned on me that I have work to do too not just prayers.
I was fed up with the kind of marriage I was stuck in and I made up my mind that this reality is not what I prayed for.
This reality is not what God promised me.
This reality can’t be found among God’s promises for my life.
I read in the bible that by myself I can create the kind of wife I wanted. I can design how she should look. I can create how much she can love me. That power has been given to me.
So, I sat down and spend three days going through the bible and I designed a plan.
This plan made my wife who she is today and I am not going to tell you the plan, I will walk you through the process.
So, sister Joy let me ask you again, is this the future you imagined and prayed for yourself when you got married?
I said no sir.
Then are you willing to fight right to get your original dreams back as regards your marriage?
I was crying again now and managed to sniff…. yes sir, I replied.
Ok my sister, Pastor’s wife said, take this diary, it’s empty but we are going to fill it together.
Yes ma, I replied.
Then I remembered my bag is already packed, I have told my husband off, I started wailing again… Ahhh ehhhh ohhhh.
They thought the diary stuff is the cause of the wailing s. Haba, how can diary be responsible for that ….
I am only crying so that they won’t ask me to go back to that house oooo
Ahhh, I have made so much mouth oo…..

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 3
BLIND PRAYERS

Pastor dropped the bomb; you will have to go back to your home. No battle is won from afar. Soldiers must be on ground to take over the territory.
No president can effectively rule a nation from a distance, when there are other contenders for the position.
No right-thinking person leaves the bag full of money that you worked hard for, outside just because others wanted the same bag.
I was defeated, I had no excuse. I collected the diary and decided to go home.
Pastor Emma asked us to pray. The prayers were sounding distant to me because I was lost in thoughts until I started hearing Pastor saying something like curses. I open my eyes to check if Pastor Mrs. is still connecting to these curse-like prayers. I saw she was saying big amen and vibrating…
That’s when I know I’m in deep trouble. How do I escape now, why did I come to Pastor’s house? I shouldn’t have come here o. I have made mouth and that useless husband of mine would not take me seriously if I go back home.
Pastor was busy praying and I heard him saying….
Father, make sister Joy blind…. Ahhh I can’t say amen ooo
Father, make sister joy deaf….ahhh if I say amen and I suddenly lose my eyes and ears with a very promiscuous and dangerous husband, it means I’m in trouble….I didn’t say amen.
I was just shaking my head, but in my mind, I was cancelling it in Jesus name. I never blind, he has many girls, what if I blind, he will be having sex on top of me. God forbid.
Pastor was still vibrating and the wife also was bursting in tongues. As the owner of the issues, I don’t think I can pray with all that seriousness… But the next set of prayers made me know he was praying from experience…
Father, the grace you gave me to be blind to my wife’s reckless lifestyle, give sister Joy,
Father, I was deaf to rumors, let her be deaf to rumors.
Trust me, I still didn’t say amen. I just kept shaking my head.
Finally, the prayer finished and as a good member I thanked them. Pastor wrote something on a paper and asked me to open it when I get home.
I left their house and started walking about aimlessly, I didn’t plan to go home, it will be a total disgrace upon all my bragging. Ige will laugh me to scorn.
I was walking absent mindedly when my leg hit a stone and I looked up. What I saw made me grow cold.

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 4
DRAINAGE

What I saw made me grow cold, in my sub conscious mind I had taken the regular route back to the house. As my leg hit the stone, I looked up to see my husband and one useless girl that looked like an over starved puppy, skinny like stingy indomie, both coming out of my house.
Ahhh, Pastor’s prayers didn’t work o. I can see clearly and I can hear wella. Now this is the height of it. This morning he broke the camel’s back and right now he just broke the camel’s neck.
I was about to charge…. honestly, I don’t know if I was going for him or for her, I think I was going for her, with that her tooth pick stature, all I needed to do was break her into two and gladly report myself to the nearest police station.
I dashed forward to tear her apart but I fell headlong into the drainage in front of the house. The last thing I saw before hugging the dirty waters in the deep drainage was my husband and the skinny thing smiling.
In my anger, I had forgotten that I have not yet gotten to the part that was covered, I had stepped right into the drainage that was three inches deep with dirty, smelly and black stench.
I don’t know if I should cry or laugh as I can’t feel anything. Ahhh God why now, why did you let me fall like this in the presence of my enemies.
Ahhh satan you are a liar, you deceived me in not saying amen when my Pastor was praying. If only I had been turned blind, I won’t see what led me into the gutter.
Then I tasted blood, I hate blood, ahhh maybe I am dead, I’m dead… I passed out.
I woke up as water was splashed on me by my neighbors. Did I tell you all these happened on a Saturday of all days. Saturday morning was when my neighbors will be on the streets washing their vehicles. It happened in the full glare of everyone.
From the looks I was getting I knew instantly that my monster husband and that skinny thing didn’t wait to help me, they drove off and left a human being inside gutter.
I stood up and went into the house. I had to rest a bit before I carry out my next plan. I doze off and saw the face of that skinny girl telling me she won, laughing that I have used my own hands to pack out of my house. I saw her wearing my wedding dress and cooking in my kitchen. The kitchen I set up myself.
I saw her wearing my red sexy gown specially purchased for my wedding night.
I was about to tear at her again, break her into two when I fell again into a well, as I was falling into the well, feeling scared, I became blind and deaf and suddenly I was no more panicking, I felt peace.
Then I woke up, unfortunately I woke up to the face of the last person I wished to see at this time…. how I wish I was blind today……. why did my nightmares not come to an end…..

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 5
HOSPITALLY PACKED

I must have slept from morning till evening because I was woken up by my monster husband, as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw the skinny thing of a girl first and then my husband by her side.
He was visibly angry, I had slept with the dirty clothes and muddy waters on the couch in the sitting room, I can see pockets of dirt that followed every step into the house. He was raking and vibrating like a machine that had lost control.
He was shouting…..
Pig, bloody pig, that is who you are, your witches powers pushed you into the gutters because that is where you belong, barren witch, useless wife.
And by the way, you told me you were packing out and I will finally be free from breathing in the poisonous air polluted by your obnoxious manifestation of paramount lunatism….
And many more things were said by him, but rather than listen to him, I was having a very bad head ache, I was losing consciousness again. That fall into the drainage must have loosened some key nuts in my head. I knew I was going to faint.
Funny enough, in my quarter to faint state, I noted that my husband is in level 3.5 of his anger
Let me explain. Level one, He ignores me and answers with short replies.
Level two
He abuses me based on what has happened and my inability to give birth.
Level three.
He call me names like evil magician, witch or herbalist.
Level four
Here come the English grammars. Mountain moving English constructions.
Today he is already calling me a witch – definitely level 3.
obnoxious manifestation of paramount lunatism, whatever that means is a level 4 something.
Just before I fainted, I noticed that the skinny thing was smiling, that smile is exactly the smile I saw earlier on in my nightmare that day, this pissed me off…… I wanted to stand up and give her a brain resetting slap that will ensure that no body will be able to smile again in her generation.
As I rose, I discovered the floor was getting closer….
I slumped and fainted.
I woke up in the hospital the next morning, I was afraid I will see their ugly faces again but thank God for little mercies. I was alone.
Oddly, I noticed my purse was by my side. I couldn’t see anyone in my room. I was placed in a private ward.
I noticed more items in the room, this made me sit up,

how dare he, this man is callous and a beast, he is no more a monster, he is now the chief of monsters.
How did I end up marrying a devil, where did I go wrong, why am I getting disgrace from every corner…..
God, why didn’t you just make me blind, answer Pastors’ prayers na. if I was blind, I wouldn’t see the gory sight.
Right in the room with me were my four big traveling bags that I had packed on Saturday morning to leave the house before going to see my Pastor.
This wicked man didn’t only bring me to the hospital, he also brought my load.
What kind of man pack his sick wife with her loads to the hospital?

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 6
HOMELESS

Away from my packed bags, I picked up my purse and there was a note from my monster husband which reads;
I don’t want to ever set my eyes on you. I am changing church so don’t bother to invite the Pastor . I have changed the locks at the house so don’t bother to come home. If I see you anywhere close to me, I’m calling the police.
Just as I was finished with the reading of his useless note, I started crying, where the waters were coming from, I don’t know.
Why am I crying? I don’t know.
I don’t have a clue. Tears were just falling as if I have a broken pipe in my head.
One short nurse came in at this time and saw me crying, she should have just left me at my silent pity party, but I believe she felt she had psychiatric prowess and some powerful words of consolation. But she never knew she was dealing with a broken tap awaiting explosion.
As soon as she started talking gentle nonsense, I burst into wailing. The more she spoke, the more I cried, the more confused I was. I was feeling sorry for the nurse. Whatever self-confidence she had in distress consolation must have been shattered because she got confused and left me alone. As soon as she left, I was back to my silent pity party.
I don’t know how many hours I spent staring into space. The short nurse must have told all the other nurses to stay clear, I can see them casting funny glances at my room from the glass partition on the door. But none dared to venture into the wailing fortress.
I picked up my purse and saw Pastor’s note. It reads;
Sister Joy, it will get tougher for a while but your God is not a quitter, JESUS didn’t give up on the way to the cross, don’t give up, but look up and pray.
Hmmmm. I sighed. I picked up my phone and dialed Pastor’s number. I wanted him to pay me a visit in the hospital.
As soon as Pastor picked the phone, I shouted Pastor!!!, my own has finished, I am broken and discarded, I am in the hospital down the church street…
I cut the call and rearranged myself on the bed, I needed to look very pitiful so that Pastor and his wife can take me to their house.
I had planned what I will say when they arrive, you know how easy it is to write word of advices from afar. Come and see me and know that quitting is smart in this situation. I am not Jesus, I’m ex Mrs. Momoh, I am now officially an ex-wife, I can see myself becoming like my aunty. Bitter, nasty, homeless woman. And Childless, ahhh childlessness oooo. Another round of crying
In less than five minutes Pastor and his wife entered my room, Pastor stood at the door, staring at my packed luggage, while the wife came to hug me on the bed.
The show of warmth and love just blocked my vocal chords from saying all my rehearsed speeches. Rather I burst into another round of wailing…..
Pastor being uncomfortable with my cries went to see the doctor while mummy started praying for me.
Same disappointing prayers. Honestly the prayers dried my tears.
Father, give your daughter strength, give her wisdom to win her home back, help her to take her place back.
Jesus, she will live long with her husband.
Things are getting out of hands, I need to make them understand, I am not going to that monster again, no one should preach submission to me at this time. I am officially homeless..
Drastic situation they say requires drastic measures. It’s time I take my own destiny into my hands. So I decided it’s time to do the shift let me faint.
I stood up, pointed to my bags, told mummy that my husband packed it out himself, the plan was to move away from the table and bed so that I can act out my fainting in peace without hitting my head on any item.
Just as I got to the bags to faint on my bags, so that Pastor’s wife can see that “my own don finish”.
The door burst open and there was my Pastor coming in with the doc…. oh no, I must be hallucinating again, now my nightmare had crossed over from dreams to real life, I pinched myself through my clothes, ahhh I’m sure my village people are now using mtn network, everywhere you go.
Right before me in my personal room in the hospital was my number one enemy, my arch enemy of the past 24 hours. The troubler of my marriage and home, the devil in human skin, the one that made me drink drainage water and spend the night in the hospital bed.
The one that engineered my loads being packed out of my husband’s house.
This same human pest, the one and only skinny thing of a girl.
She was wearing doctors’ uniform.

To be continued

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