OH THIS MY HUSBAND (EPISODE 7 – 13)

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OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 7
SKINY DEVIL

I would have pounced on her if not for the fact that something seems odd, she was wearing a doctor’s uniform, she was having that funny smile on her face again.
I remember watching an American movie where the arch enemy of the actor came to the ward wearing doctors’ uniform and she tried to inject the actor with a lethal injection so that he would die.
Ahhh so this is their plan, she is not only planning to take my husband, she wants to take my life also, so that there will be no need for divorce, all the shakara I have planned for divorce won’t be necessary again.
It won’t work, smart babe like me, you can’t come and inject me simply because I have had bad luck in the last twenty four hours. Never.
I shouted: Pastor, don’t let this lady come any close to me, she is the one that got pregnant for my husband, she is the one that wants to snatch my husband, she put me into the drainage and also made me spend the night in the hospital!!!
Pastor was standing transfixed at a point just staring at me as if I was the ghost of John the Baptist, since he was not bulging, I turned to his wife and told her;
please mummy you are a woman like me, you will understand how I feel. she is the reason for all the stress I have been through in the home and in my marriage, this is the bastard that is pregnant for my husband, this is the devil you have been teaching us about in the women fellowship!!!
She didn’t even turn back to talk to my skinny marriage destroyer, all she was saying was, sister Joy! calm down, don’t work yourself up, you know you are tired.
Ahhhh mummy, how can I calm down, she looks innocent but she is the architect of all my woes and troubles in recent times, mummy please look at my load, see me in the hospital, they have sent my enemy to mock me and tell the stories….
Mummy came forward to hold me and try to lead me back to the bed, this time around I won’t let the bitch escape, there is no drainage in the hospital, I am not feeling faint so this time around I know I can get her, I dashed forward to grab her, but I forgot the bags were on the floor, I fell on the bags and by the time I stood up, she had been ushered by the Pastor out of the room.
Well since she was out, I can now calm down and talk. Pastor’s wife led me to the bed while Pastor came back into the room.
Sister Joy, take things easy, you know how your health is and all you have been through, don’t complicate things. Pastor said.
I replied, sir this is not a complicated issue, it’s very simple, I am fed up of my marriage, how can my husband’s concubine come to see me in the hospital.
The look on their faces was that of surprise. The both asked in chorus, who is this concubine?
It’s that lady sir/ma. That skinny stingy indomie-like of a pest, that good for nothing useless…..
Ok, ok sister Joy, Pastor said with a knowing smile on his face, he and the wife exchange a look that says, they are trying their best not to smile.
They didn’t get me, so I decided to expatiate further, the way these guys are looking at me, e get as e be, they seem to be looking at me as one kind of lunatic or that the injury in my head must have made me lose my mind. But I am not crazy now, I know what I am saying.
Maybe because I was speaking too fast before, let me speak slowly this time around,
Pastor and mummy, you see when I left your place and got home, I met that skinny thing, that she-devil that……
Okay! Pastor stressed again,
Please sir let me explain, you don’t understand me sir….
Sister Joy, please let Pastor explain something to you please, the wife interjected.
Ok ooo, I am all ears ooo, I replied.
Pastor continued, that is sister Hamet.
In my mind I thought, Hamet, what a name!! names that church-going home wreckers bear……
It was sister Hamet that settled your hospital bill and ensured you got the best treatment from this hospital because it belongs to her father. Pastor said.
Ohh I replied, is she Hamet Johnson?
Pastor said, Yes she is.
Ahhhh, Mogbe (I am in trouble!)

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 8
Hamet Johnson

Hamet Johnson, I have never met her before but I have heard all about her. She is the daughter of the owner of our house. Only daughter.
When we packed into the side wing of the twin duplex, we were told that the house was previously occupied by her and the husband. We were told that she travelled abroad and that because it’s her house, we are to pay all monies to her, in fact we moved in the week after she moved out.
There is a room in the house that still belongs to her where her loads were kept, that’s why we got the house a bit cheaper than the market value.
We are currently owing her about two years rent because we have a three year long financial challenge that resulted in rent debt, we are yet to catch up on the bills.
I had called severally to beg her, and she had always sounded like an angel. I have even given testimony in church to thank God for her life. I have been hoping to meet with her one day.
Now I have met her in a very disgraceful situation. I have spoilt all the goodwill of many years because of my promiscuous husband.
Pastor’s voice brought me back from my thoughts; Yes, sister Joy, she is Sister Hamet Johnson, she just came back from United Kingdom two nights ago. She has been living in United Kingdom for seven years after her husband of six months bathed her with Acid.
She has done multiple surgeries to correct the face after the acid attack from a very abusive six months marriage right under the nose of her father. The acid attack was a very big news then; you must have read about it sister Joy.
I was looking at both of them like a secondary school student caught life with textbook in an examination hall. Ahhhh my village people have completed a three-unit course in my life. They must be rejoicing in their coven now.
Pastor Mrs. Interjected; don’t worry sister Joy, she is a very understanding lady, she can see you have been through stress.
At this time my tears have started again, I didn’t know I have a whole thousand litres of water hidden behind my eyes. I was really feeling ashamed.
Pastor was staring at my bags again and he made a very intriguing discovery, Sister Joy, seems your case and my case look alike, when I got to the point where I was fed up with my marriage and things were about to start changing, I was also in the hospital and my possessions were also dropped with me at the hospital, same case is happening here too. If you decide to work on your marriage, things can change for the better.
Hmmm, now I don’t know what to say again ohhh. With the great error of calling my landlady my husband’s concubine, how do I convince everyone that I am not the problem of my marriage but my callous husband is.
Pastor, my loads are out already, I cried.
I fetched my purse and gave Pastor the note written by my monster husband, he read it, sighed and told me he was coming back shortly.
I used his absence to talk to my Pastor’s wife, mummy I cried.
Please understand me, please mummy, I can’t go back to that house, I can’t go back ma. Mummy will you want your own child to go back to an abusive relationship?
My husband has made up his mind and he will make life difficult for me,
With all my plea, I can see I was not being heard, how I wished I was far from the bed to faint again
Just then the door opened and Pastor came in with My Angelic Landlady, with her wonderful smile, she really looked elegant in the red gown with flowers in the front (How fast can a person change from an arch enemy and a devil to a saint. Some few minutes ago she was my enemy, as of now she is the second in command to angel Gabriel)
I went from the bed to the floor, I knelt down to greet her in a second, Ahhh ma, aunty Hamet, my mummy, please ma, I apologies for the sorry, no I mean I am sorry for the apologies that I, oh no, I mean I am sorry I fell into the gutter for you or no sorry erm, am sorry…..
She came forward and told me to take it easy, “my sister (oh that voice is like soothing waters), take it easy, I understand, please rise up and rest, you had mild concussion and you need to rest please”. She lifted me up back to be bed.
I was crying like “egbere”, a dwarf pitiful demon…. The embarrassment was not of this world.
After she succeeded in making me sit on my bed, I noticed a young man standing by the door.
Pastor followed my gaze to the man at the door who seems to be smiling at my display. Pastor nudged sister Hamet to introduce the man to us.
Sister Hamet, beaming with smiles went to the arms of the man by the door and introduced him to us, please meet my husband.
I smiled, ehyaa, she finally met another man to marry her after the first wicked man that poured her acid, at least Pastor can allow me to marry another man if this sister too can be happy again.
In my eagerness to please her, I congratulated her, Haaaa my sister congratulations, thank God you found a good man after that beast of a husband poured acid on you, ehyaa I am happy for you ooo….
Pastor Mrs was staring at me like I just spoke in Greek, Pastor was trying to shut me up by staring at me and blinking his eyes.
I had spoilt my image before so I was bent on redeeming it, since I know about the accident that made her traveled out, I will use that to win her trust. Even if Pastors’ eyes were to fall off his socket, I won’t shut up, I am bent on the fact that I must remedy my mistake.
Come to think of it, the sister concerned was smiling and the gentle man was smiling beautifully. If only my husband will smile to me like that, we won’t be in this mess.
I wanted to speak again but sister Hamet signaled I stop and she explained; My Sister, this is my husband, the same man I married before I left Nigeria, my one and only.
Before I could control my mouth I asked in disbelief, the one that poured acid on your face?
She nodded in the affirmative.
Ahhh my mouth will not kill me.

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 9
HAMET HUSBAND

I can’t believe my eyes and I think I am now confused. Very confused.
Opps, emmm, ahhh, ohhh I am sorry ooo, I didn’t mean it sir, or ma as in, kindly have mercy, oo no please forgive me I’m….,
Sister Hamet was by my side again. She asked me to calm down and she mercifully gave my stupidity a medical name to excuse my fooling around over and over again in the last few hours.
Please my sister, rest your head, you know disorientation do occur after mild concussion, you will need to rest and stop talking. We will explain everything to you shortly.
I laid down on the bed but my head was pounding with so many questions. How did all these happen? what exactly is going on.
Pastor and the man, the acid pouring husband (mind you, he does not look like a gentle man to me again, I even think his smiles looked sinister, like those serial killers that will kill fellow human beings while smiling). As soon as they stepped out of the room, sister Hamet started explaining things for me.
My sister, she began but Pastor Mrs. interjected, her name is sister Joy.
Sister Joy, sister Hamet continued, I came to your house to pick some of the items I left in the locked room, I was discussing with your husband about how to get the room cleared so that you can have it to yourselves when I saw you falling into the drainage.
We both got you out of the drainage with the help of other men around but you were screaming abuses on your husband so I asked him to excuse us. I got people around to escort you to the house but you said you were fine, so we let you be. I told the men to let you be because I know how embarrassing it is for you. I had to get to my place at the clinic
to change my dress and also attend to some urgent cases at the hospital.
After work I came back to check on you, I met your husband at home, he was busy packing some bags out, I inquired about it, actually thinking you guys were moving out because you are owing but he told me he was fed up and wanted to send you packing.
I have to explain that medically you were not fit to do any heavy lifting till we check you and know you have no internal injuries from the fall. I had to make him wake you up, but that didn’t go well and you fainted.
Seeing that both of you seem to be in a very bad state, I called my driver to pick you and brought your loads that were already dumped outside the house to the hospital. I called Pastor and the wife to come pray with you because you were so faint.
Your husband has not visited and I don’t think it is advisable he visits till your health stabilizes, you really need to rest.
Hmmm, ok that explains how I got to the hospital, but I am still confused on how her marriage bounce back to good health. So, I asked.
Sister Hamet, thanks so much for the help ma but….
Please you can call me Hamet, from now onwards, I am no more a stranger, we can be friends, she smiled again, well she was always smiling because her face had this smiling shape.
Sis, I continued, please did you marry two husbands?
She laughed.
Pastor Mrs. chuckled and shook her head, sister Joy, it’s the same husband ooo.
Ahhhh the same man who poured acid on you ma? I was looking at this Hamet of a lady, she get mind ooo, how can you be living with the man who poured acid on you. Hmmm don’t let me jump into conclusion again before I make another mess. I continued.
Ohhh, that means he didn’t pour acid on you, it was just a lie.
He actually bathed me with acid not just my face, she shifted the neckline of her garment to the left and I saw acid scars.
You mean he, as in that same he? I made gestures at the door where the man was standing a short while ago.
She smiled and said Yes, he.
Pastor Mrs. added, he did not only pour her acid, he locked the bedroom door and the main door so she can die. That was after he has thrown her phones into the toilet to ensure she can’t call anyone.
Oh lord have mercy, now I am more confused.
Is she stupid? Have they done some charms that prevented her from leaving him, or is she one of those that acts like glue to the person they think they love, what of if she wakes up one day to discover his craziness is back and he axed her to pieces this time around……
Seeing my curiosity, Pastor Mrs. added again more intriguing facts.
Her father who was 76years old as at that time could not take the news when it broke out, he had heart attack, the same day she was scheduled for her second or third operation.
Hamet added; Second operation ma, in London central ma
Ahh yes, that same day of her second operation was the day her father died, we were all afraid to tell her so that she too won’t die same day.
In-fact Pastor had to fly to United Kingdom to see her and prayerfully break the news to her before she gets wind of it from the press.
Ahhhh, now my mouth was permanently open……
Please sis, tell me now, what really happened? Why are you with him?
Who does not like a good gist?

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 10
Packages Not Allowed

She was just about to answer my questions when Pastor came in to see us, but his wife jumped up and rushed to her husband, dotting over him as a mother would on a five-year-old child.
She was talking some sweet nonsense into his ears and he was unintentionally rubbing her hair with his hands.
I could barely make out the things that was suddenly interesting to both of them to the extent that they have forgotten they were not alone in the room.
Sister Hamet stayed with me also, she was staring at them and smiling too. The love in the room was so much, how did this people perform the magic of love.
Their story seems to be very different from the story of general marriages in this generation. When was the last time I held my husband like this, how can I hold him when he is busy holding other girls out there, abeg three is a crowd.
Pastor and his wife came back to me.
My wife needed me to eat something because I have been fasting for a while and it had been very hectic in church. But before I go, there are some issues I want to clarify.
Pastor said and also continued.
Sister Hamet is one of my spiritual daughters, her father brought her to our church shortly after she got married, I think three months after marriage, am I right; he asked sister Hamet.
Yes sir, she replied.
Yes, three months after her marriage, things were already heating up, I can see she was not happy, my wife and I became very interested in her marriage. But she was not always telling us the truth and was hiding information from us to protect her husband because she believed she could change him alone.
But things got very, very bad about three months later, I woke up that faithful day and while praying, I felt a big burden to pray for sister Hamet and her husband. I told my wife and she advised we visit her that same day.
We called her line and she picked but we could only hear her shouting with her husband, there was a scuffle sort of and the line went off. At that point we decided to visit. When we got to the house, we couldn’t find any of their cars, though the gate was opened the main entrance was locked.
I was about to turn back when I saw a rabbit. Anyone who knows me well, will know that I love rabbits. Immediately, I forgot the reason i came and ran after the rabbit to the back of the house. It was in the process that I stepped on broken glass and the rabbit was nowhere to be found.
The broken glass was definitely a recent one, I looked up to see where it must have fallen from and discovered a broken window and then suddenly, I could make out sister Hamet voice crying in agony.
Pastor’s wife interjected, I was still very new to the Pastor’s wife job then, I also thought I was pregnant because I was always tired and always seeking a place to sit. I saw a small plastic beside the door and I decided to lift it, set it up for proper sitting when I discover a key underneath the plastic.
I was about to return the plastic when my husband ran back shouting, Jesus something is wrong, I need to get inside. There was no time to answer him, I just picked up the key I saw and gave him. He ran to the door and he entered.
My first thought was to follow him inside but I decided against it, what if there was danger inside, I can’t run well in my supposed condition, I had missed my periods and I thought I might probably be pregnant. So, I went back into the car, thank goodness I always have the car keys with me.
The car we had then had a malfunctioning passenger door so I sat at the driver’s side, adjusted the sit and turned on the engine and air conditioning. When Pastor brought her out, I had no choice but drive while he was with her at the back seat. It must have been divinely arranged because I drive far better than Pastor. She smiled lovingly at her husband.
I am a love-sick woman, I see love vibes everywhere, Pastor’s wife then said…. Erm, sister Hamet your turn to continue the story-about the angel.
Sister Hamet continued the story from there, my head was just following the voices. When Pastor speak, I look at him, when mummy speak my head goes to her direction, now I am staring at sister Hamet.
I thought I was dying, I thought I was dead. The last time a lecture was done on dealing with acid attacks, I could not attend because I was preparing to get married to the man who poured the same acid on my face and who also left me to die.
He had beaten me and I can feel dislocation pains in several joints. I know I couldn’t make it to the bathroom or kitchen to get a solvent that can counter the acid eating deep into my skin and stop my blood from wasting away.
I was already feeling light and getting ready to die when I heard my name being called. It sounded as if it’s from a distance but definitely I knew help had come.
Sometime along the way I guess, I saw myself alone and walking towards a huge gate. I saw my dead grandfather coming towards me with anger on his face. I ran towards him, very happy to see him but he will have none of that. He was furious and was shouting, what are you doing here, where do you think you are going. I was taken aback because I know my grandfather does not speak English.
I was going towards the gate sir I managed to say, but he pushed me back.
Don’t you know you will end up on the wrong side, you are coming with a package, packages are not allowed. You this naughty girl, go back and settle your package.

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 11
NOT JOINING

I didn’t understand a word out of what my grandfather was saying. I felt okay, wonderful and I was curious to see the other side of the gate, there seems to be a magnet dragging me to the gate. I tried to push my grandfather aside and go towards the gate, but he pulled me back by my package on my back. That’s the first time I noticed I had a package.
I don’t know how it happened but suddenly I was able to see the very heavy package on my back, it wasn’t a bag, it was a sack that was as big as a mini bus. Inside the sack were human beings, the first person I saw was my husband then my mother and many other people.
Suddenly I could not walk again because the load was too heavy for me, my grandfather was screaming with obvious fear, Ham (as he fondly calls me) if you go through the gate with this load, they will send you to the left side.
Ok please help me to remove the sack so I can go in, but he showed me the hooks on the sack. They were wired right into my skin, bones and heart. At this point it dawned on me that everyone in the sack were those I didn’t forgive for the hurt they had caused me.
I turned back from the gate and woke up in the hospital. The news about the acid had broken out, the press had taken hold of it and for days everyone that managed to get to me told me to sue my husband or to pay him back.
I had visitors in the hospital who came with contacts for hired killers and hoodlums who can beat him up for me. My father was always by my side and he encouraged many of these discussions. He was never a serious Christian, he only goes to church as normal Sunday ritual.
There was only one voice that kept on saying something different, and that was Pastor Emmanuel. he kept telling me that my life was precious to God and that’s why God sent him to me at the right time so that I won’t die. He kept insisting that instead of being angry, I should be thankful.
He also started pleading with me not to hold any grudges because it will delay my healing process.
I couldn’t tell Pastor what I saw while I passed out, but his message was the only one that was consistent with the one I saw myself.
My husband was arrested and charged to court but the twisted justice system didn’t find him guilty. I had to leave Nigeria for United Kingdom so as to do my face surgeries and it was during that time Pastor came with the news of my father’s death.
Oh, how I hated my husband, how I wish I could strangle him. But my vision was too real to forget. It took Pastor two years to break into my resolve to let go and find inner peace. It was then I opened up to Pastor and his wife.
Finally, I accepted what Pastor had been saying.
She looked at Pastor to continue the free lecture and he took the hint.
At that point, we added her to our marital discipleship class. A personalized marriage class that helps to heal the hurt and bring marriages back together.
His wife interjected, “Yes, it has helped many marriages, even marriages that everyone believes can never come back together again”. It is the same principles God gave my darling husband to win me back during my dark years.
And it has helped a lot of couples. With all three staring intensely at me, watching for my reaction, Pastor asked me,
Are you willing to submit 100% to the marital discipleship class?
Question of the century?
Ahhh this people think they can use their eyes and style to make me forgive that monster husband easily, when I am already planning on enjoying life
outside marriage.
What reply would I give them…?
Looking at them with a very straight eyes I said NO SIR, I AM NOT JOINING.

OH THIS MY HUSBAND

Part 12
JOINED

Pastor was taken aback, the wife came close to hold my hands, I didn’t catch the expression on Sister Hamet’s face.
Pastor’s wife was already holding my hands to start another round of preaching. It occurred to me that if I don’t agree, they won’t let me be.
I remembered sister Hamet said Pastor was on her case for two years. Ahhh I can’t allow this people to keep following me sounding like broken records for two years.
I also don’t know where I will be staying after this night, I might need to lodge at their place for a while, that monster husband has chased my family away.
So, I did the smart thing, I said.
LIKE I SAID SIR, I DON’T WANT TO JOIN BECAUSE I AM ALREADY A PART OF YOUR DISCIPLESHIP CLASS…. What have you been doing in the hospital since sir, you’ve successfully enrolled me in the marital discipleship class.
Every one of them started jubilating and rejoicing. I was looking at them with one kind eye, what type of people are these? They are rejoicing on a matter that has nothing to do with their families. What will be their gain if my marriage works, how does my marriage help theirs? Who my marriage help?
Within that hour, I was discharged from the hospital and driven straight back to my husband’s house. I didn’t talk, if I talk now and on getting home, he behaves like a nice man, people will say I am lying. I was really praying we meet the man at home so that he can display and show them his real color.
He was at home alone when we arrived, but from the way he was dressed I know he was on his way to one of those numerous meetings with his concubines. That means his temper would be very short. I smiled within myself.
He will show them pepper today.
As soon as he saw me, he started screaming, take that bitch out my house, I have told you before I don’t want to see any shrink, Pastor or your pitiful self in this house again. Now you think coming with a Pastor shrink and his pig-like wife would make me change my mind, you think I am a fool who will swallow his words, you are in for a phantom experience Mrs. ex….
And then he went into the huge grammatical blasting, I can’t remember half of what he said especially in big grammar.
I replied in anger, Oga Monster, Mr. know it all, Mr. woman wrapper, who wants to come into your useless house, who wants to come and beg you….. I wanted to say more but Pastor’s wife pulled me back and told me to shut up.
Pastor did as if he didn’t hear all that was said, he went straight to my husband to give him a handshake. The confidence with which he went I guess, disarmed my husband. He was still whining but not that loud.
Pastor’s wife led me out of the house.
She said, sister Joy, one of the rules of the discipleship class is that whatever we ask you to do is what you will do. Didn’t I tell you in the car that when you get to the house, you should not say a word? Was that not what we agreed?
I replied, Yes ma, I didn’t plan to talk, he provoked me, he called me a bitch.
Pastor wife sighed and asked, are you a bitch?
No ma.
She asked me, if a man pass now and screamed Paul you are mad, will you get angry?
No ma, I am not Paul.
Will you respond to the person calling you Paul even if he is looking at your side?
No ma, I said I am not Paul and I am not mad, so why would I reply him.
Will you get angry if the same man starts raining curses on Paul?
I replied; no ma, I won’t get angry because I am not Paul.
So why are you angry when he said he didn’t want to see the bitch again.
Mummy I know he is talking to me that’s why I responded.
But are you a bitch? She asked.
No mummy it’s not the way you are seeing it.
Ok, tell me the way to see it, because he abused me too but I was not hurt because it was not me he was talking to, I am not a pig and no matter how many times a person calls me a pig, that does not make me a pig, she replied.
Her approach and view to it made me feel guilty, I am not the one that should feel guilty, it is my husband that should feel that way and I know that within few minutes he would chase Pastor out.
So, I replied her,
Ma! You are presenting this issue as if I’m the problem, I don’t have a problem, I was everything a wife should be for that bastard till he started dating girls and misbehaving, then he slapped me. Me!!!!! A useless husband slapped me as if I was the one begging to marry him…..
Pastor’s wife quietly said, my sister, judge this yourself. Three people came to the house together, the three of us were abused together. Two didn’t get angry, one got angry and just look behind you, Pastor and your husband are out of the house and they are shaking hands, so tell me who has issues to deal with?
The question hanged in the air like a thick smoke,
I turned and see my husband walking down with Pastor. Like a zombie, he went to the car, picked my bags and took them inside.
Pastor’s wife looked at me intently. I was ashamed because they seem to be able to get things done and this makes me look like a fool or as if I was telling lies. I am sure the person reading this have started doubting me as well, you’re thinking I’m the problem and not my husband.
Pastor’s wife simply said; Sister joy, Classes starts on Monday evening. So, for the next twenty four hours in that house, you shall be deaf, dumb and blind. OK?
Yes ma.
They got into their car and drove off.
I turned to meet my husband at the door with my luggage that he carried inside some few minutes ago in his hands bringing them out again.
haaaa

To be continued

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